Struggling to Get Back On Track...

So a couple weeks ago I had a major emotional setback...a vacation that I had planned for many months and invested a lot of money in, fell apart.  Not only did I lose most of my money but the idea of losing something that I had wanted so badly was very overwhelming.  While I am at peace with it, I have been struggling to be strong.  It's hard to regain joy back when you've felt like you've been stripped of everything you had hoped for.   I've tried running a couple of times and it's like each time my mind says enough and I end up having to stop...

I did end up buying a used treadmill though I'm not so sure if I'm in love with it...I'm having issues with the incline (as you set it by adjustable feet)...so while I don't blame that, I do wonder if it maybe it's a little bit at fault.  I need to try to get back outside and try running....see how it goes then....

I happened to be at a gathering which my family hosted and mentioned that I bought a treadmill...someone close to me said well, it's not like your ever going to use that/see results from that...surpisingly, it didn't bother me....ususally, it's like a dagger to my heart and something I have heard my whole life.  This time it was like, okay, just another example of me having to push forward through everything that says it's impossible for me to lose weight, get healthy...I am so used to people not believing in me but I can't live my life caring what other people think about me.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to try running outside...I do love running outside amidst the birds and the sounds of the frogs and running between canola fields along the highway...

Playlist 2

So I wanted to share some more of my playlist for those of you who are like me and must have music!

Beauty and a Beat (featuring Nicki Minaj)-Justin Bieber
Black Heart-Stooshe
Blow Me (One Last Kiss)-Pink
Blown Away-Carrie Underwood
Demons-Imagine Dragons
Heart Attack-Demi Lovato
I Love It-Icona Pop
If I Could Turn Back Time-Cher
Not Afraid-Eminem
My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)-Fall Out Boy
Acapella-Karmin
People Like Us-Kelly Clarkson
Run Away-Real McCoy
Blurred Lines-Robin Thicke (featuring T.I. and Pharrell)

Running for Me

So in the past many days I've felt really out of touch with things...felt very unmotivated and in general, pretty yucky...I've been beating myself up about my weigh in, which to be honest, was me reaching my highest weight ever at 238 pounds.  Yup, I said it.  I've been sticking to my WW plan pretty intensely the last week, though supper in the last two days hasn't been great.  I'll weigh myself tomorrow and hopefully will feel much better.

I did head to the gym tonight to do my run (I've been doing outdoor running for the last couple of weeks) and finally was able to complete my first round of the Week 4 training successfully.  In total, I did 16 minutes of running, something in my whole life I've never been able to do.  I'm proud of myself.  I didn't really enjoy the gym experience-people were blaring their music as loud as they could and were goofing off.  I'm really starting to believe that this fall, I'll buy my own treadmill.

So my marathon that I signed up, well, I came up with an idea tonight.  I have a birthday coming up in October, before the marathon.  I've decided to ask for donations for my marathon in lieu of gifts.  This marathon means a lot to me as I'm running in memory of my grandfather.  At the same time, I'm also running for myself.  I'm not sure what I've shared before in previous posts, but I have issues with hypertension, and have since I was 18.  I've been big and I've also been 180 pounds with same high blood pressure.  I've been on medication for years (various meds as one particular med stopped working) and have had 2 EKG's to check if there's been damage to my heart.  Luckily there hasn't been, but as much as I pretend that hypertension doesn't bother me (emotionally), it does.  While I'm under control now, I don't know the future. The Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation, well, their research helps people like me.  So as much as I plan to run in memory of my grandfather, I'm running for me too.

Tonight on the treadmill, I really felt like my goal was in reach.  I've never run 16 minutes before.  

Frustrations With Weight

So I am feeling very frustrated.  In the last month, my weight has gone up 9 pounds. I've been more active than ever and my weight goes way up. I'm still the same size but I'm up!!

I've struggled with my weight for years. I can gain weight in a blink of an eye and losing is very hard for me. I have lost weight and had success with Weight Watchers before, but only through the meetings and not really the online version. I found the meetings gave me a lot of support where the online version doesn't give you the support or sermons.

Right now I can't do the meetings as the closest meetings are an hour and a half away and I cannot afford the gas. The online version I was doing but I'm prepared to pull the plug on that as in some ways, I feel I'm just wasting money. I do need to get rid of the Coke.  I'm probably drinking on average two cans a day. I had given up Diet Coke and then went to Coke.  Sigh.

I'm going to continue my exercise obviously and once I finish my case of Coke, well that's it. No more.   I need to up my water and I know I need to eat more veggies and fruits. I'm definitely not eating enough of those.  But in general, the weight gain really sucks. 

Best Run Yet!

So tonight, I went at it again...trying to get the complete workout that I've been working at for the last two weeks, and tonight, a complete success!  I did it!  My run consisted of:

• 5 minute warm up of brisk walking
• 1 1/2 minutes running
• 1 1/2 minutes walking
• 3 minutes running
• 3 minutes walking
• 1 1/2 minutes running
• 1 1/2 minutes walking
• 3 minutes running
• 5 minute cool down of brisk walking

No foxes, but a beautiful evening getting to smell canola in the air.  It really was lovely!

I also went for a drive last night and picked up a couple of running magazines.  I never thought in a million years that I would be buying a running magazine, let alone 2 running magazines.  I bought this one:

and then this one:

I really liked both.  I loved the Canadian one simply for being Canadian-stories about Canadians which I always find more relatable.  It's like hey, if someone could do that much running in Saskatchewan, I can do that in Manitoba!  Silly, I know, but it works for me.  What I really liked about women's running is that it had a great section on running in the heat and showcased products that got me thinking I could use that.  I will definitely be buying these in the future and in the meantime, I can go back and read the tips they offer!

Playlist

So tonight, I was feeling really sad.  Sad enough to break down crying, though I didn't.  I decided to still run, thinking let's take this negative energy and turn it into something positive.  Well, the first half of the run went really well.  I made it quite a bit past my normal place where I have to turn around and that was a great feeling.  But then, my run kind of broke down.  It was like my heart and head refused to cooperate any more and I just couldn't.  I walked the rest of the way back.  I wish I could say that after the exercise I felt better, but I didn't.  I need to process what I'm feeling and rather than talking about that here, I'm going to leave you with some of my workout playlist that I run to.

In no particular order, as it's always shuffled...

Don't You Worry Child-Swedish Mafia
International Love-Pitbull Featuring Chris Brown
It's Time-Imagine Dragons
Judas-Lady Gaga
Moves like Jagger-Maroon 5
Pause-Pitbull
Radioactive-Rita Ora
Scream and Shout-Will I Am with Brittney Spears
Starships-Nicki Minaj
Titanium-David Guetta featuring Sia
Turn Me On-David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj
Part of Me-Katy Perry
Glad You Came-The Wanted
This is What It Feels Like-Armin van Buuren featuring Trevor Guthrie
Get Lucky-Daft Punk featuring Pharrell Williams

Hope it's given you a few ideas for your own playlist...

Running with Foxes

So I sort of ran into a road block with my training and I'm not sure if it was from the heat or my mind throwing up roadblocks, but I found the 3rd week of training (according to the plan I'm following) really difficult.  So difficult, that I decided to redo it as I had to keep stopping in that week of training.

Last night I started the week again, and finally success!  I did the run properly despite my music going all wonky and constantly skipping.  The best part of the run, which was outside by the way, was getting to see two foxes.  As I was running out of town, one ran across the road.  I did wonder as I passed if it was going to run back out at me, and then just as I was coming up, a second appeared.  It saw me and turned around.

I think I actually enjoy running outside better than on the treadmill.  Not only do I get the chance to see foxes, but having something to stare at and use road markers as goals to pass in some ways makes it seem easier.

The couple of times that I've run outside, I tend to do it late at night.  I don't want anyone to see me, though truth is that I still get passed by a lot of vehicles.  Maybe I'm scared of being judged of things jiggling or being too slow, but in part, by running, I'm prooving to myself that I can do anything and to heck what other people think.